What follows are genuine and very funny newspaper headlines and reports (mainly from UK newspapers).
Funny Newspaper Headlines
Wood starts year with a 69 and trails by 5 strokes (Associated Press, website)
Police ask for tips on Marijuana (from Lewis County, New York, US)
Large Hardon Collider (a now infamous malapropism headline from The Daily Mail).
Dead Man found in graveyard (Welwyn & Hatfield Times).
Top Racehorse involved in blackmail plot (East Anglian Daily Times).
British woman celebrates 100th birth (Bristol Evening Post).
Psychic show cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances (Plymouth Herald).
One armed man applauds kindness of strangers.
Duck Wearing Bow-Tie Walks Into Pub, Drinks Pint, Fights Dog, Loses (Huffington Post).
Funny Newspaper Content
At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. “He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.'” ( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
University to hold sexy vampire conference. A British university is to hold a conference on vampires, in a bid to reclaim sexy vampires for the UK after an American takeover of the sexy vampire market. (London, Metro)
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large domestic gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.” (The Daily Telegraph).
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News).
THE stage version of TV’s Most Haunted, due at the Pavilions in May, has been cancelled. The complex said it had received notification from the producers of Yvette Fielding’s Night of Fright that due to unforeseen circumstances and events beyond their control the tour had been cancelled
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian).
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, ” This sort of thing is all too common”. (The Times).