Dating My Daughter

We have all met fathers who have a extreme case of paranoia when it comes to their daughters.

  1. If you pull into my drive and use your car horn you’d better be delivering something, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
  2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you don’t look at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
  3. I know it is fashionable for boys of your age to wear trousers so loose they appear to be falling off their hips. I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, you may come to the door with underwear showing and trousers too big. To ensure that your clothes don’t come off during your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
  4. I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without using a barrier method of some kind can kill you. On the subject of sex with my daughter – I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
  5. Please do not to talk to me. The only thing you need to tell me is when you expect to bring my daughter safely back to my house, the only acceptable reply is early.
  6. I have no doubt you are a popular lad, with many chances to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry, lots
  7. As you wait for my daughter to appear, and more then an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
  8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, of anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff t-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are ok, old folks homes are better.
  9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot bellied, balding, middle-aged, stupid has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and 5 acres behind my house. Do not mess me about.
  10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a helicopter coming in low over the desert and the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into my driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Shout the password, then announce in a clear voice that you have bought my daughter home safely and early, then retreat to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

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